The swans of all beauty were there gathered from every part, where the river skirted the Shannon Fields, hopes beat strongly in every heart. They had been flying in for two days, To compete in this the first contest to select Ireland’s most beautiful swan, and now they were taking a rest. Flotillas of fans had foregathered - all species of bird life were there- huge flocks were ensconced on the shoreline whilst some flew about in the air – there was great hype, buzz and razzmataz, bird whistling and calling and hooting. Then when the Presenter came on some pens were seen to be swooning. For he was a gay wily old cob, full of charm and smarmy old patter could look doe-eyed, though waspish if challenged - carried it off with professional chatter. Now the Liffey swan kept to herself, hidden in a rush covered pool, was it nerves or was it just for effect? Some said she was playing it cool! A proud one from Lake Derravarragh stiff-necked was showing some hauteur, the presenter was acting the fool with wild swans from Coole and Lough Oughter from the Lee a bird glowing with pride said she would win in a paddle, Lough Cutra’s temperamental young cygnet replied “Your feathers are tinted with raddle!” From Lough Erne to Carrick-on-Suir came bevvies of beautiful swans, while some came from pools more obscure, said they had entered just for a try on. Contestants sailed about like sail boats, necks swaying like Viking prows – then with huffs and puffs on the watery ramp faced the shoreline when taking their bows. At last the selections were made and the final line-up was declared; the judges – three randy old coots, with two herons whose husbands were spares. Sixth judge was a clever old hawk who as Sponsor exuded bonhomie; kept rubbing his wings all the time and thought it’s big business but it’s awful baloney! The suspense caused a fat fan to say: “I’m pigeon, I can’t watch any longer – I’ll die if they don’t hurry up – if only my poor heart was stronger.” Then the placings: fifth was the entry from Cork, number four was a bird from Lough Gill, and third came a swan from Lough Neagh, the presenter was pecking each bill. Number two in this great beauty contest, was a fair swan from nearby Lough Derg but the queen of them all was from Westfields and she sailed like a shining iceberg. Such excitement was never on water, as she bowed her head under and over, then gave a neat pirouette and most graceful bow to the judges, a la Ulanova!. But….before the crowning began an objection was taken from Cork: that the Westfields’ swan was a ‘beauty’ alright, had a cygnet at home with a cob. And, the rules of every such contest declared that this should not be! “Some neck!” said the Cork swans, all flapping their wings, left the water and flew back to the Lee. Then a thick-necked bird from the Lagan said it was plainly a fix; she knew she should never have come South and suffer such mean dirty tricks. She said she knew what to expect in the Free Stayet, - she had been fourth in the Swan of U.K. - with fire in her eyes and a great thrashing of thighs she flew up, up, up and away. The judges in an emergency huddle, were now in a horrible fix; a heron said ‘twas a right dirty puddle, she had no right to try any such tricks. A coot said she clearly looked best, but agreed that her entry was shady “Although from Limerick” he said with tongue in cheek, “’Tis clear that this bird is no lady.” The Sponsor thought it an unfortunate matter ‘twas beauty not morals they were judging, but however in fine print ‘twas clearly set out - left no room for doubt or for fudging. The crestfallen winner was very upset And pleaded that she had not known, “I never read the fine print” she said “but the cygnet I will not disown”. “I know that for me the show is now over – but I did nothing, ‘twas that cob came on strong”- then sadly she said “Keep your title” and fled, and all thought ‘twas the sad birds swansong. The placings were quickly adjusted. First went to Lough Derg’s by a quill, Lough Neagh’s then came second of course While in third place was the swan from Lough Gill. When interviewed on the very next day Westfields swan said ‘twas lost on a technicality. She said she’d have little more to say, except she was now facing up to reality. But she still had the satisfaction of knowing, that in the matter of choice all so vital, she had been the first chosen and that was some showing! She was really happy her Clare first cousin holds the title!